r/MensLib 5h ago

Weekly Free Talk Friday Thread!

2 Upvotes

Welcome to our weekly Free Talk Friday thread! Feel free to discuss anything on your mind, issues you may be dealing with, how your week has been, cool new music or tv shows, school, work, sports, anything!

We will still have a few rules:

  • All of the sidebar rules still apply.
  • No gender politics. The exception is for people discussing their own personal issues that may be gendered in nature. We won't be too strict with this rule but just keep in mind the primary goal is to keep this thread no-pressure, supportive, fun, and a way for people to get to know each other better.
  • Any other topic is allowed.

We have an active slack channel! It's like IRC but better. Please modmail us if you would like an invitation. As a reminder, take a look at our resources wiki if you need additional support as well.


r/MensLib 17h ago

Came across this for Men's Mental Health Month: "Unf*ck your feelings"

487 Upvotes

https://www.unfckyourfeelings.com/

It’s normal to feel scared, anxious, or just unsure about what’s next. But society can raise men to suck it up from the time they’re born.

I'm a big fan of doing what works, even if it's not perfect. And this message, let's be real, is the kind of weird BEING A MAN MEANS BEING SENSITIVE AS FUCK, BRO! kind of framing.

But hey, if it gets a couple more guys to think long and hard about how they approach problems, both IRL and in their own heads, I think that's a worthy shot to take.

Thoughts?


r/MensLib 1d ago

In U.S. Military, Sexual Assault Against Men Is Vastly Underreported

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630 Upvotes

r/MensLib 1d ago

Brendan Fraser and Freddie Prinze Jr. on Trauma and Transformation

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1.1k Upvotes

r/MensLib 15h ago

A Heavyweight Short: Cody. The story of a hug

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3 Upvotes

r/MensLib 2d ago

The recent God of War games tell an incredible story about a "strong" man overcoming toxic masculinity and, in doing so, becoming a better and happier person.

314 Upvotes

For those who don't know, God of War is a video game series about an ancient Greek hero named Kratos who becomes the god of War, and then goes on a vengeance-fueled massacre of the Olympians. The original series ends with Kratos killing Zeus, destroying Greece, and finally feeling some remorse for his actions. He's depicted as a tragic figure, and basically the embodiment of toxic masculinity; every emotion he feels gets converted into violent rage, and his lust for blood, along with his need to be "stronger" than his enemies, ends up ruining everything he touches.

The recent soft-reboot series, consisting of God of War (2018) and God of War Ragnarok (2022), follows Kratos as he ends up in Norway and shows his journey towards becoming an entirely new man. He now has a young son, Atreus, and has just buried his beloved wife, Faye. While Kratos lives in deep regret & self-loathing for the destruction of Greece, he has yet to escape his worst tendencies, partially as a result of that all-consuming guilt. His relationship with Atreus is cold and distant, and when Kratos does try to parent him, he comes across as a strict disciplinarian with little concern for Atreus's feelings. Kratos's lack of connection with his son actually stems from his guilt; he wants Atreus to be better than him and fears that bonding with him will only lead Atreus to become more like him.

As the story progresses, though, Kratos learns that his self-punishment is doing more harm to his son than good. In order to help Atreus become a better man than he was, Kratos must bond with Atreus, let him know that he loves him, and show him through example how to be a good man. We see Kratos become more open, more willing to talk about his past & his feelings, and more openly caring to Atreus. We finally get to see him smile, cry, show real affection to his son, and at one point, even apologize to him (the last thing we'd ever imagine Kratos doing). Not only does Kratos forge a genuinely beautiful bond with his son and become a far better man himself, this process also allows him to make peace with his own sins, imagine a better future for himself, and finally decide that he wants to live.

I'm just amazed that a character who was, in some ways, the ultimate power fantasy for edgy teenage boys filled with toxic masculinity, has believably reformed himself into a poster child for good parenting and healthy masculinity. I don't think I've ever been so moved by a quiet scene of a man telling his son a bedtime story (if you've played and finished Ragnarok, you know :)). I really hope we get more stories like this in pop culture - young men need to see that it's possible to be compassionate & vulnerable while still being a "strong man," and that they will be happier for it.


r/MensLib 2d ago

Why Is It So Hard for Men to Make Close Friends? - "American men are stuck in a “friendship recession.” Here’s how to climb out."

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1.0k Upvotes

r/MensLib 2d ago

My perspective on men's issues and why they're so difficult to solve or even fight for

158 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I've recently discovered this community and after browsing a bit I realized something that I'd never thought about before when it came to men's rights. I didn't find anything similar in this sub so sorry if this is supposed to be common knowledge around here.

I was reading the post about how it is a little problematic that we see a little kid sacrificing himself for his sister as heroic and manly, instead of focusing on the fact he shouldn't be in that situation in the first place, and should probably receive some kind of therapy and counselling instead of pats on the back as if his behavior was normal and expected. The post mentions that one of the top replies in the original thread was "this is not a boy, this is a man" and I admit that when I first read this my first thought was something like "hell yeah, this kid is awesome!" and it made me realize something.

Men's issues are so hard to fight for because the majority of men don't even see them as issues, all these things we're expected to be or do are treated as desirable by most of the male population.

"Men are supposed to be strong"

"Men are supposed to be brave"

"Men are supposed to be breadwinners"

"Men are supposed to be leaders"

"Men should be willing to die for their fellow human"

And like, in a vacuum doesn't all of this sound really cool? Like hell yeah I wanna be strong and brave and reliable, but we don't live in a vacuum. You're EXPECTED to be able to do these things, and if you can't or don't want to for whatever reason, you're treated as less of a man. These are not qualities, they're requirements.

I am pointing this out because from my perspective most women's rights issues tend to revolve around injusticies and inequalities that basically everyone can get behind. They want respect, to not be treated as weak or dumb or overly emotional or a number of other things that toxic masculinity categorizes them as (not to mention all the ways they've been fucked over by the law).

Compare this to men's issues where it's not even an actual issue for most people, and it becomes clear why it's not something that has made many strides ever since it began. Hell, I'd probably get a slap to the back of the head if I tried promoting the idea of fragility to any man I know lol.

(btw just in case it wasn't clear I'm not calling women's rights easy and simple, they're obviously not, but for different reasons than men's issues from my perspective)


r/MensLib 3d ago

Close | Official Trailer HD | A24

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182 Upvotes

r/MensLib 3d ago

A Straight Masculinity Crisis Is Already Underway

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554 Upvotes

r/MensLib 3d ago

Mental Health Megathread Tuesday Check In: How's Everybody's Mental Health?

33 Upvotes

Good day, everyone and welcome to our weekly mental health check-in thread! Feel free to comment below with how you are doing, as well as any coping skills and self-care strategies others can try! For information on mental health resources and support, feel free to consult our resources wiki (also located in the sidebar!) (IMPORTANT NOTE RE: THE RESOURCES WIKI: As Reddit is a global community, we hope our list of resources are diverse enough to better serve our community. As such, if you live in a country and/or geographic region that is NOT listed/represented but know of a local resource you feel would be beneficial, then please don't hesitate to let us know!)

Remember, you are human, it's OK to not be OK. We're currently in the middle of a global pandemic and are all struggling with how to cope and make sense of things. Try to be kind to yourself and remember that people need people. No one is a lone island and you need not struggle alone. Remember to practice self-care and alone time as well. You can't pour from an empty cup and your life is worth it.

Take a moment to check in with a loved one, friend, or acquaintance. Ask them how they're doing, ask them about their mental health. Keep in mind that while we may not all be mentally ill, we all have mental health.

If you find yourself in particular struggling to go on, please take a moment to read and reflect on this poem.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This mental health check-in thread is NOT a substitute for real-world professional help/support. MensLib is NOT a mental health support sub, and we are NOT professionals! This space solely exists to hold space for the community and help keep each other accountable.


r/MensLib 5d ago Helpful

Jordan Peterson’s Politics Make Life Harder for Young Men

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2.9k Upvotes

r/MensLib 6d ago Gold Timeless Beauty

"This is a message to men in relationships with women - Particularly if you're with a woman over the age of 35 - There's something you need to know about your girl:"

1.7k Upvotes

This is a Twitter thread and it's really worth reading all the way through.

Men, husbands, boyfriends:

Your wives probably felt like prey in a hunting ground

They probably have ways they don't like to be touched or times they don't like to be touched or approached

They may feel a mix of love and shame when you look at them with lust or desire

Even if you didn't participate in the harassment she describes, you are almost certainly impacted by the men who did.

I posted this for a few reasons:

(a) how does this make you feel? Knowing that most women and girls suffered through this adolescent nightmare?

(b) how has this affected your self conception? Your feeling of your own desires and how you're perceived by people, especially women?

(c) what can we do as men to help mitigate this behavior?


r/MensLib 7d ago

Weekly Free Talk Friday Thread!

30 Upvotes

Welcome to our weekly Free Talk Friday thread! Feel free to discuss anything on your mind, issues you may be dealing with, how your week has been, cool new music or tv shows, school, work, sports, anything!

We will still have a few rules:

  • All of the sidebar rules still apply.
  • No gender politics. The exception is for people discussing their own personal issues that may be gendered in nature. We won't be too strict with this rule but just keep in mind the primary goal is to keep this thread no-pressure, supportive, fun, and a way for people to get to know each other better.
  • Any other topic is allowed.

We have an active slack channel! It's like IRC but better. Please modmail us if you would like an invitation. As a reminder, take a look at our resources wiki if you need additional support as well.


r/MensLib 8d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Starry

Guys, let's talk about relationships and affirmations - How does your partner show you they care, and that you matter?

1.2k Upvotes

Hey Guys, affirmations is kind of a spiritual mumbo jumbo word thrown around sometimes. Usually it's brought up in the context of saying nice things to yourself, "I matter", "I am enough" in the mirror every morning. I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about relationships: How your partner tells, or shows you, that you matter, that you are important, that you are enough.

By far the most common 'affirmation' men look for is sex. If my partner has sex with me, that's them telling me I'm important, I'm desirable, I'm worthy. And that's all true. Having sex with your partner is a great way to convey that message to each other, in a way that you both enjoy. But, as many in long term relationships will tell you, that exciting, spontaneous longing, can slowly fade as your life becomes more predictable, and routine. It happens. I'm not going to pretend having sex isn't important, like I said, it's a great way to affirm your partner, and bolster your relationship. Lots of people will leave a relationship when sex drops off. Lots of male 'life coach' personalities online will sell you 101 snake oil tricks to 'get more sex' and that less sex is a death sentence. It's not. I'm not talking about a relationship going sour here, where you don't care about them, or they don't care about you, I'm talking about a relationship going steady. You love your partner, they love you, there is no problem, but the sex may drop off, and you kind of feel like something is missing.

Men will start to feel worse about themselves. Insecure. Hurt. Unimportant.

A drop off in sex is so disastrous to lots of relationships because men don't look for, or don't receive, any other affirmations from their partner. People also think its not 'manly' to be affirmed; To be cared for.

It's not a nice way to feel.

When the sex slows down. After a while, you're not missing the sex, largely: You're missing the feeling of care.

When I say, "How do you show a woman you care." What do you think you could do? Breakfast in bed? Back rub? Buy her flowers?

Is sex the first answer that comes to mind?

Probably not.

Because we know, that sex isn't the be all and end all of making women feel important. It's the little things. It's the gestures that say, "I'm thinking about you. You are important to me."

When I say, "How should a partner show men they care?" How many men will 'joke' "Blowjob!"

Ha ha ha. Yes, but what else?

crickets

What I want to convey first and foremost, is that sex isn't the be all and end all for men either. You can't just rely on this one act from your partner. It's like trying to walk on one stilt. It's not secure. Its very easy to fall very quickly. You need other evidence, other affirmation.

Your partner may already show you that they care in other ways. You may not realize, or appreciate, or see the message. They may fold your clothes, because you hate it. They may prepare dinner if you work late, and they don't. They may encourage and support your hobbies. There are lots of ways they may. Or they may do nothing at all - because men don't expect, or ask for, anything else. Men will silently suffer without affirmation from their partner, and instead they go searching for it in the socially approved ways: work, the gym, from strangers. How many men will work 60, 80 hour weeks to brag and get told how hard they work, and how good that is? How many men would be so easily tempted by an attractive woman, who shows them the least bit of focused attention? If these men were in strong relationships where their partner affirmed them, I'd be willing to bet they wouldn't even consider this other woman.

I'm going to talk to the men here who don't feel affirmed in their relationship, and what you can do about it. If you think about your relationship, there are two possibilities: You partner isn't showing you that they care, that you matter, and that you are important; or they are.

Lets talk about the easy one. They are showing you that you care. Do you appreciate the effort? I mean, does it actually make you feel better about yourself? If you don't pay attention, it just passes you by. It doesn't hit. It's like food going past on the sushi belt, it's there, but its not doing anything for you. It's become so routine, that you just expect it. You expect the food to be ready. You expect the Saturday morning ornate breakfast. What I want you to do is pay attention. When your partner does these nice things for you, that are above and beyond, tell them that you appreciate it. That it makes you feel special when they do it. That you are lucky to have such a wonderful partner; Hell, buy them flowers and write them a letter that goes through everything that they do that you appreciate. They will appreciate it. You will have affirmed them. You will feel great for a good while from that.

If you don't get any affirmation, or enough, or in the way that you want. This is the hard part. But it's not that hard. What you need to do, is think about how you affirm your partner, and how you want to be affirmed. How can they show you that they care about you, in the way that you want? Are you showing them that they care? If you're not, well, the relationship is withering, and you either need to decide to save it, or look at why it withered, and if you want to continue. This is the easiest time to break it off - you're both already disengaged anyway. If you want to save it, you're going to have to show your partner that they matter, and you're going to want them to show you too.

If you do show that you care, or you are willing to do more, this is where you need to work something out. I had a chat with my wife when this happened to us. We became routine, we both worked, so we both did all the chores, we both earned, so we bought ourselves gifts, we were equals. We were friends. I had a drink of liquid courage, because this was scary, and I sat with my wife and said, "I really care about you, you are the most important person in the world to me, but I don't think I show it enough. I'm also irritable sometimes, and easily upset, because sometimes I worry that you don't think about me that way. When you do something that upsets me, it hurts more than it should. I want us to be more loving towards each other. Do you feel the same way?" My wife did, and if you speak to your partner the same, they probably do, but hadn't realized it. My wife and I made a commitment to be more caring about each other. She asked how she could, and I had no idea. I'll tell you right now, "I want you to have more sex with me" is not the answer.

After out chat, I started to notice my wife's extra efforts, and I appreciated them. I also put in the effort. I would make coffee, I would prepare dinner, and take on more of the chores, on the nights she worked longer hours, I would encourage her to sit down and rest while I cooked.

If your partner doesn't care about you, it's going to be very obvious. They may say they'll try, but they won't. I'm sorry man. It's not going to go well from here.

If you think, I will just try to be more caring to my partner. That's great. But don't, I repeat, DON'T, just put effort in on your side, and expect your partner to magically realize that you want reciprocity, and they will know exactly how you want to be affirmed. They won't. If they do reciprocate, it's probably not the way you want. When you have this chat with your partner, you are going to want to have thought about how they could do little things to show you that they care. A kiss when the leave for work. Holding hands when you go for a walk. Cuddling up to you on the sofa, or in bed. I like physical things like this, but you might have completely different things in mind. You will want to say, "I love it when you X, it makes me feel special."

Guys, let's chat about how your partner shows you that they care about you. Lets chat about the ways you can show your appreciation. I think this would be a great opportunity to share some ideas for the men amoung us who don't know what else they might want from their partner. It would be good to see men who support and feel supported by their partners, in ways outside the bullshit 'manosphere' of 'I have sex with my wife twice a day, every day, and if you don't buy my book.'

tl;dr: Sex shouldn't be the only way you 'hear' you partner telling you that they love you. It shouldn't be the only way you confirm you're important. Think about the other ways you want your partner to care. Ask for them. Appreciate them. Reciprocate.


r/MensLib 8d ago Ally Helpful (Pro)

The Myth of Testosterone | Sisyphus 55

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430 Upvotes

r/MensLib 9d ago Wholesome

To men presenting as straight: how do you feel about knowing you're policed in your intimacy with male friends?

786 Upvotes

I'm a bi guy, and I've been wondering about this for a while. Whether you want an intimacy with other guys that's sexual, romantic, or not, how do you feel about knowing you and a male friend aren't free to express your intimacy and your affection for each other in any way that works for the two of you? That you don't have that freedom with risking judgement from people around you? Or are you in an uncommon situation where you're free from that kind of policing, and you could talk openly about any kind of intimacy that'd end up developing? I don't understand how straight men are fine with others deciding whether the way they express intimacy and with whom is acceptable or not. Does that make any sense?

EDIT: Dang, that blew up! I've been busy with work and life, but I want to go over what people wrote and reply if possible, but it might not happen right away. There's a lot of food for thought in there, and I want to digest it properly.


r/MensLib 10d ago

Mental Health Megathread Tuesday Check In: How's Everybody's Mental Health?

192 Upvotes

Good day, everyone and welcome to our weekly mental health check-in thread! Feel free to comment below with how you are doing, as well as any coping skills and self-care strategies others can try! For information on mental health resources and support, feel free to consult our resources wiki (also located in the sidebar!) (IMPORTANT NOTE RE: THE RESOURCES WIKI: As Reddit is a global community, we hope our list of resources are diverse enough to better serve our community. As such, if you live in a country and/or geographic region that is NOT listed/represented but know of a local resource you feel would be beneficial, then please don't hesitate to let us know!)

Remember, you are human, it's OK to not be OK. We're currently in the middle of a global pandemic and are all struggling with how to cope and make sense of things. Try to be kind to yourself and remember that people need people. No one is a lone island and you need not struggle alone. Remember to practice self-care and alone time as well. You can't pour from an empty cup and your life is worth it.

Take a moment to check in with a loved one, friend, or acquaintance. Ask them how they're doing, ask them about their mental health. Keep in mind that while we may not all be mentally ill, we all have mental health.

If you find yourself in particular struggling to go on, please take a moment to read and reflect on this poem.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This mental health check-in thread is NOT a substitute for real-world professional help/support. MensLib is NOT a mental health support sub, and we are NOT professionals! This space solely exists to hold space for the community and help keep each other accountable.


r/MensLib 11d ago

Nuanced and balanced frames of mind for healthy sexuality

533 Upvotes

Hi folks,

I have been thinking about something lately. Society tells us a lot of opinionated, charged or amped up things about sexuality, but I don't feel like society equips us to really engage with sexuality in a nuanced or healthy way. We have to find that info for ourselves, in my experience.

I realized over time there are more ways of thinking about and framing sexuality than we normally get taught about -- there are a couple of basic ways we are taught about how to think about sex (basically "ignore it" or "be raunchy about it"). In contrast to that, I have heard of the emerging "sex positivity" way of looking at things, a trend that sort of mirrors the rise of the "body positivity" movement. And I've heard of "body neutrality/body acceptance" and I think those are healthy too, so why not "Sex neutrality/Sex acceptance"?

These are all different ways to respond to and frame sexuality as a frame of mind. I am actually advocating for using all of these mindsets as/where appropriate, since they are like tools in the toolset, and they should all be used at some point IMO. They all have pros/cons, so I find them complementary.

(Sorry if this is nerdy or weirdly abstract, this is just how I think.)


Starting with the basic, somewhat tired ideas we are all ambiently exposed to (But re-contextualized to be complementary to the new modes), and then moving onto the newer-wave ones:

Polite chasteness

This is the mode where we basically don't talk about sex outright, and only acknowledge it in matter-of-fact tones, if at all.

This is useful for mixed company, all-ages contexts. Sometimes sex does not need to come up, or if it does, it needs to be strictly factual.

This mode is a practical necessity in lots of situations, and it is very important to have, and yet there are other bases it leaves totally uncovered, so it isn't a way for adults to live or think 24/7. (Unless you are 100% asexual, in which case yeah that makes sense.)

Pros: Lets us exist outside of sexual context! Not every moment in life is about sex. Lets us be around mixed company where sexuality isn't relevant. To state the obvious: lets us act appropriate around kids (who obviously don't need to hear about or worry about sexuality in the same way adults do.)

Cons: Literally doesn't address or acknowledge sexuality! The more a person is in this mode, the more care and conscientiousness is probably needed to find appropriate and healthy times to be more sexual in other contexts. Don't neglect to find time for healthy and appropriate sexuality, if you have to be super chaste in your daily life/work/etc.

Raunch / Raunch culture

This mode plays off of the taboo of sexuality, and rather than try to phase out the taboo, it relishes in flouting it.

Pros: Questions authority, subverts the incumbent power of the status quo, acknowledges that people aren't perfect angels, even the ones who claim to be, and that we have to be allowed to be transgressive sometimes.

Cons: Can be legitimate trouble! Can cause harm if done without care for others. Easiest to get wrong, because it deliberately challenges the rules (rules were probably made for a reason, even if they may be flawed rules or for somewhat flawed reasons)


Note:

Sometimes it feels like our culture only has the two above options!!! That's not enough ways of addressing sexuality to be healthy! If those would be all there is, there would be such huge gaps, such little nuance!

What else is there? Here are some other complementary modes to be in.

Sex positivity

This mode acknowledges and celebrates sexuality. It goes beyond the acknowledgement of the facts of sex (as seen in polite chasteness in some cases) to embracing and championing the subjective sensuality and sexuality. "Being turned on is good!"

Pros: We need to be open and acknowledge the sexual and sensual aspects of ourselves in a positive framing, so we don't feel bad about something natural. Very healing at its best. This is a missing piece of our broader culture IMO. Sort of like an endangered species, it needs to be nurtured to come back to full strength.

Cons: There are times when acknowledging sensuality in a "mandatorily positive" context doesn't work. Can encourage "sex boosterism" where "sex neutrality" or "sex skepticism/sex criticism" is more appropriate, i.e. when something someone is boosting really does need to be doubted and their roll slowed, for the benefit of the group. (We are all capable of being wrong, and dissent is necessary at times.) Forced positivity is draining and can cause burnout and depression.

Sex neutrality

A mode of acknowledging both the facts of sex, and the subjective experience of sensuality and sexuality, but without overall boosting or critiquing it, on balance. Just being aware of it, hopefully at peace with it, or at most only mildly annoyed by it, but ultimately willing to accept it. Absent the pressures to conform to mandatory positivity or the false cachet of reflexive critique. Just balanced, more or less neutral realism.

Pros: A healthy check on positivity gone too far. Some times you have a neutral or "meh" reaction to a thing, and that is genuine and valid. Likewise, sometimes the critique goes too far. Chill, people! Just be neutral. Promotes sex-literacy without the drain of forced positivity, or the drag of critique.

Cons: Don't live your life too "meh"! Don't forget to be truly positive sometimes, and don't forget to critique sometimes! (Unless you really like going with the flow, in which case it's hard for me to argue, really. But you will probably have to have some kind of strong positive or negative reaction to things that come up at some point, just being realistic.)

Sex skepticism/Sex criticism

A mode of being skeptical of sex boosterism and the supposed centrality of sexuality to life. Goes beyond neutrality to actively pushing back on the excesses or mistakes that may be present in the status quo or prevailing wisdom or trends.

Pros: Promote your boundaries and limits! Get some perspective. Don't just follow the herd. Make your own opinion.

Cons: Easy to become puritan or curmudgeonly. If you're not accomplishing anything with your critique, consider trending toward Sex neutrality or Positivity over time, rather than being negative for no purpose. Unlikely, but if you're hiding behind critique to deny your own sex life, despite feeling your sexuality underneath it all, maybe take a look at the other modes, since it does not do to be dwelling on the negative and the reactionary at all times, and putting up a false front isn't great. And it does not do well to bottle things up and acting like being mad per se solves things, instead of finding healthy outlets. All that is to say, there are limits to the role of critique and skepticism, and embracing the more positive can have its merits.

Note:

Why is this relevant to Men? Well, according to surveys and research, men and women have about the same depth/richness of sexual experiences, but men think about sex more frequently. On average. So we may have more situations day-to-day that we have to categorize and process our sexual thoughts and feelings. And obviously healthy views or lack thereof are a major source of inter-gender conflict or complaints in our culture. So I think it's really important to promote more nuanced and balanced, healthy frames of mind for dealing with sexuality. For the greater harmony and health of our society, and the reduction of gendered conflict and misunderstandings.


r/MensLib 12d ago Silver Wholesome Wholesome Seal of Approval Wholesome (Pro)

Shout out to men

1.9k Upvotes

Shout out to all the fem presenting men on this International Men's Day. Shout out to all the masc presenting men on this International Men's Day. Shout out to the gay men on this International Men's Day. Shout out to the straight men on this International Men's Day. Shout out to the cis men on this International Men's Day. Shout out to the trans men on this International Men's Day. Shout out to the spectrum of men on this International Men's Day


r/MensLib 12d ago

Emotions: It's About More than Crying

226 Upvotes

We need to think about emotions as more than feeling comfortable crying. Something I've seen and experienced is men not knowing their emotional limits or what they're even feeling. I've seen men feel anxious or upset but they'll try to ignore that feeling. They'll think "Oh, this isn't too bad. I just have to wait till it's over and then I can go back to normal." but the things that's triggering those feelings doesn't go away. Eventually, a limit is approached and a guy doesn't feel or even know that he can say "I can't deal with this thing I'm experiencing, and I need to set a boundary."

So those guys will fall apart and do anything from having a panic attack to screaming. I thought I could withstand listening to my gf complaining about her day but I didn't know I was expeiencing anxiety when she did it. My brother didn't know he could tell his gf that she needed to stop bothering him so he yelled at her and berated her.

Men have to be able to feel when they're reaching limits and need to trust their feelings. If you're noticing that you're feeling close to reaching a limit or even that you're on the path to a limit, you need to be able to understand that what you're feeling is okay and that you can do something about it.


r/MensLib 12d ago

Involuntary Celibacy: A Review of Incel Ideology and Experiences with Dating, Rejection, and Associated Mental Health and Emotional Sequelae - Current Psychiatry Reports

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355 Upvotes

r/MensLib 12d ago

Reddit Talk: Celebrate International Men's Day with /r/MensLib and Friends!

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99 Upvotes

r/MensLib 12d ago

This is why we lift | Natural Hypertrophy

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22 Upvotes

r/MensLib 13d ago

Pills, gels, customised jockstraps: are we any closer to a male contraceptive? | Contraception and family planning

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633 Upvotes

r/MensLib 14d ago Gold Wholesome Take My Energy

Be Yourself is Bad Advice - Expanding Masculinity

979 Upvotes

There are days when I stumble to the male fashion advice subreddit to see what kind of fashion those peeps are wearing. Every day they have a WAYWT (What Are You Wearing Today) thread where a lot of the members just show off their outfits. If you ever want to see a space of dudes uplifting dudes, check that space out one day. It’s full of “looking good!’ comments, and questions about where to cop those sick pants someone is wearing. That subreddit also has members submit inspiration threads of styles people are wearing in the season or a specific piece of clothing worn in different ways. I go to the inspiration pages a lot, and see if I can try on a fit that I like or may suit me, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. But I appreciate the effort someone gives to push me to see how a style can be used (in sometimes different ways).

However, when someone has a pretty good fashion sense, the advice that they give to others is usually “just be yourself.” And it dawns on me how vapid or crappy advice that is, especially considering we as fashion nerds look to inspiration and other people a lot. This thought was completely crystallized when the newsletter Blackbird Spyplane (https://www.blackbirdspyplane.com/) did a whole rant about it a few days ago called “Be Yourself is bad advice for getting dressed.” Here’s a choice quote:

“Why does this advice irk me? The easiest way to problematize “be yourself” is to recognize that, while it contains within it a valuable kernel of truth, so does the exact opposite advice, which is also way more interesting and, ultimately, way more useful when it comes to developing personal style: BE SOMEONE ELSE !”

Now this is useful to me thinking about identity and masculinity. Truth be told, I am a soft gender abolitionist. I want to expand the definitions of masculinity, I want people to be comfortable in their own version of masculinity, and I don’t want there to be one type of masculinity that dominates all others. This of course inevitably leads to “well if all masculinities are equal then masculinity has no meaning” and to that I say “shrug, let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”

However, I had a good discussion in the sub about what it means to find your own masculinity, and I used to be very much in the “be your own man” camp. But I have learned from the people looking and searching for positive masculinity that the advice of just be your own man is fruitless. Just like how it is in fashion. What I see when I hear people looking for positive masculinity or versions of healthy masculinity is that they are looking for inspiration. They want to browse the WMAYWT thread (What Masculinity are you wearing today) and seeing what sick fits they can cop. And honestly when thinking about it like that, I agree. But just like in fashion, there isn’t one single fit that works for every guy (even though it might be a great fit). So searching for the one positive or healthy masculinity is pointless to me. However it doesn’t mean that we can’t look at other versions of masculinity and seeing what you can copy, steal, or try on. Like Blackbyrd Spyplane says:

“The power to change the way you appear — and, with it, the power to shed, inhabit and experiment with different identities — is one of the most fundamentally liberatory things about wearing clothes, period” >

Just like in fashion, looking at other people and trying on what they are doing/wearing/performing is liberating. It’s your skater phase in school, maybe it’s your baggy jeans phase, maybe it’s your going to therapy phase, or maybe it’s your learning to cry phase, maybe it’s your romantic comedy phase.

Expanding masculinities means the liberation of men to try on, experiment, remix, and create different types of masculinities until you find one that suits you. Expanding masculinties is also not being the jerk that says “What just because you bought a skateboard and rocking Supreme that you think you’re a skater now?” Or what Blackbird Spyplane calls an “identity police hall monitor hater” or pretending that because you wear APC skinny jeans and likes punk ruck and other people wear some Ralph Leauren prep and likes to go to the rodeo every now and then, that both of those styles are not sick af.

I know that is a very simplistic way of saying very specific gender theories (like the precarious masculinity theory, or the multiple masculinities theory, or the works of Raewyn Connell when she talks about hegemonic masculinity). However I do think that instead of saying “be your own man” or “find yourself” as advice, the better advice is “look to others to find your distinct voice.” Just like artists look at other painters to find their own style, musicians find inspiration from other artists. But the goal is to find your unique voice! And as well we should give each other the power to inhabit and experiment with different masculinities.That’s true liberation to me.


r/MensLib 14d ago

Weekly Free Talk Friday Thread!

22 Upvotes

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